The Biker and the Lady

[RJ HEDLEY]

 The Lady and the Biker
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A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while
he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry all of
his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she
was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk
you home but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why, thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the
way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a
husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me
up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a
goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top
of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Wayne]

 

Sounds like the old lady had all the bases covered!

She must've had an R9 concealed, - I'd wager in a Hedley holster!  

[Rocnerd]

Nothing like a good chuckle   to lift the spirits.  Thanks for that.

[theirishguard]

Do we really know or believe that the woman was old? And that the biker was a kind and gentle man? Or for that matter, that the goose was tame? You have to watch out for the long neck goose! Especially when you are carrying 2 chickens.However the story does make us laugh

[R9SCarry]

Hahaha ...  like that RJ!  Enjoy a bit of levity to brighten the day

Let me throw this one in - not new and I daresay folks have read it before - but some of the points still crack me up.  I reformatted it from an email - hope it holds OK.

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      RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER
      
      Rule One:
      
      If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
      
      Rule Two:
      
      You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.
      
      Rule Three:
      
      I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
      
      Rule Four:
      
      I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
      
      Rule Five:
      
      It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"
      
      Rule Six:
      
      I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
      
      Rule Seven:
      
      As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
      
      Rule Eight:
      
      The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
      
      Rule Nine:
      
      Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
      
      Rule Ten:
      
      Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.

[theirishguard]

R9S Carry,  Well said, there is nothing more to say.