Author Topic: World History  (Read 2149 times)

Offline Richard S

  • Grand Master
  • *****
  • Posts: 5772
  • Nemo me impune lacessit.
World History
« on: April 05, 2015, 01:44:01 PM »
A Lesson in World History (or How Is Your Sense of Humor Today?)
Author Unknown

Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summers and would go to the beach and live on fish & lobster in the winters.
 
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization, and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
 
Once beer was discovered it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
 
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement."
 
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQs and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. Many of the rest became known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the trade union, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.
 
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals chose to be symbolized by the jackass.
 
Modern Liberals often prefer imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish, but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: Among Liberal couples, many of the women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
 
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood, and group therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because they thought it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
 
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and provide for and protect their women. Conservatives tend to be big-game hunters, hard-core fishermen, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, lawyers who defend police officers, prosecutors, corporate executives, soldiers, sailors, airmen, marines, coastguardsmen, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively in civilian occupations outside government. Conservatives who own companies prefer to hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
 
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

 ;D
(1963-1967) "GO ARMY!"

Offline JoshA

  • Grand Master
  • *****
  • Posts: 1040
Re: World History
« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2015, 06:10:01 PM »
That's quite insightful! The absence of this valuable information in my formative years is proof enough that the public school system and curriculum are run by the liberals. Thanks for the enlightenment Richard!   ;D

I may speculate that the author remains "unknown" because he doesn't wish to have a surprise visit from the IRS.  :o
« Last Edit: April 05, 2015, 06:11:40 PM by JoshA »
War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse.

John Stuart Mill
English economist & philosopher (1806 - 1873)

Offline backupr9

  • Grand Master
  • *****
  • Posts: 1616
Re: World History
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2015, 08:42:17 PM »
Actually Richard, this is only partly correct.  The men who tracked, hunted and supported their women and families were members of the last expedition from Mars before it got too dry.  The girly men were imported form venus to cook, clean, keep house and chew the animal hides for clothing while the women from Mars went to war with their men.  You need to get this stuff right if you are going to post!   ;)
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

Endur Fortis

Offline Richard S

  • Grand Master
  • *****
  • Posts: 5772
  • Nemo me impune lacessit.
Re: World History
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2015, 09:04:04 PM »
I stand corrected.   ;)
(1963-1967) "GO ARMY!"