Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 22207 times)

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #15 on: March 02, 2017, 12:53:41 PM »
Baby is born and the Dr. hits him on his little butt.

Baby just looks at him without making a sound.

Growing up it's the same thing, never a sound. Parents send him to Dr's and specialists and nobody can find a problem.

Years go by without a sound. Finally one day, when he was 6  sitting dinner, he asks "please pass the salt."

His mother exclaims "my God it's a miracle you can speak."

He replies "oh course I can."

She asks "why didn't you say anything before now?"

He replies "well up till now things have been OK."

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #16 on: March 03, 2017, 07:30:51 AM »
Guy joins a monastery and must take a vow of silence. Once a year he gets to go to head monk and say one word.

Guy works hard the whole year then gets called to the head monk. Head monk says "well you have been here a year what is your word?"

Guy replies "more" then goes back to work.

After second year once again he goes to head monk and asks what his word is.

Guy replies "salt."

Few weeks later he gets called back into the head monks office.

Head monk says " look. You been doing a great job here but we just can't have people complaining all the time." 
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #17 on: March 05, 2017, 04:39:23 PM »
Fising fleet goes out every day. Nobody comes back with much of a catch except Jr. Jr. EVERY DAY comes back with a boat full of fish.

Nobody can figure this out so one day the Conservation officer asks where his spot is.

Jr. says he doesn't have a spot just a method of catching fish.

Conservation officer asks if he can go out with him. Jr. agrees.

They go out to middle of the lake, Jr. lights a stick of dynamite and throws it in the water. Fish rise to surface and he nets them in.

Officer says "that is illegal to fish with dynamite. when we get back you are going to jail.

Jr. ignores officer, lights another stick, tosses to to officer and says " now. You come here to fish or talk."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2017, 01:58:28 PM »
Reporter is doing a 'man on the street interview.' He is asking people what they think is the most important contribution to mankind has been.

First guy says " putting a man on the moon. All the knowledge gained is helping us even today."

Next woman says "penicillin. It has saved millions of lives."

Reporter asks Bubba who replies " it has to be the thermos bottle."

Reporter asks "what's so amazing about that?"

Bubba replies " well. You put coffee in first thing in morning and all day it stays hot. Put sweet tea in and it stays cold all day"

Reporter asks " what's so amazing about that?"

Bubba replies "HOW DO IT KNOW?" :D

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2017, 04:30:31 PM »
Does ANYONE read these or is my material that bad???????????? :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\
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Offline tracker

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2017, 07:28:23 PM »
Not bad; just old. I heard the thermos joke half a century ago.

Offline dddonkey

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #21 on: March 07, 2017, 10:01:37 PM »
I read them.

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2017, 08:03:06 AM »
Not bad; just old. I heard the thermos joke half a century ago.



That was probably ME telling that 50 years ago. How about the others?
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2017, 08:04:18 AM »
I read them.



Hi DD,

Thanks. Then I will keep pulling them out of my VERY old memory. :D
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Offline MRC

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2017, 10:54:04 AM »
I am always up for a good joke, even if it is old.  Keep them coming.

Offline backupr9

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #25 on: March 09, 2017, 12:05:35 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.   
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.


These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said


'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'


She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'

"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #26 on: March 09, 2017, 01:48:55 PM »
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.   
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.


As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.


These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said


'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'

'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'


She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'




That's the BEST! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #27 on: March 09, 2017, 01:51:27 PM »
Teacher asks a little boy "how old is your father."

He replied "seven years old."

She asks how is that possible."

He answers "he didn't become a father till I was born."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #28 on: March 11, 2017, 07:56:44 AM »
Know why they put reer window defrosters on a KIA? To keep your hands warm when you push them.

KIA doesn't come with a owners manual. It comes with a bus schedule.
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #29 on: March 11, 2017, 02:58:51 PM »
Know why Almond Milk is called Almond Milk? Because NOBODY can say 'nut juice' with a straight face.
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