The Rohrbaugh Forum
Miscellaneous => The Water Cooler -- General Discussions => Topic started by: RJ HEDLEY on July 12, 2004, 07:02:54 PM
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Why Parents go GREY
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message,the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
Boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."
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So it was the mother's birthday and her present was an expensive business suit she had wanted for a long time. She was so happy with it she asked her husband if he would like for her to model it for him and of course, he said yes. So they are upstairs when the phone rings and their little boy answers the phone.
"Hello, this is grandma. Can I talk to your mother please?"
"No grandma, she's in the bedroom showing daddy her birthday suit." ;D
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Bad day? - this might help yah....
Hehehe! - thought we'd get one of these threads .. good thinking RJ! Try this ... cracked me right up!! :D
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When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying "Hello."
I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a**hole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a**hole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"
He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a**hole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a**hole too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an a**hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**sholes to call.
But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called A**hole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an a**hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"A**hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a**hole."
Then I called A**hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, a**hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a**," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a**hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two a**holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.
NOW I feel so much better.
Anger management really works.
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Hmmm ....... over 100 members and not many jokes comin in!! ::) :P
This was posted today on THR and is probably doing the rounds .... tickled me tho ...... so need to share!
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The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you
remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.
Click.
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;D ;D
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I know we have at least two lawyers here, and they must of heard *Lawyers jokes * before... :D
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Two Alligators
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The
smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We da same age, we was da same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin' boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near da parkin' lot of dat
law firm."
"Same here. Hmm. How you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one dem Lexus cars, and wait fer
someone to unlock the door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I tenk I see you problem. You
ain't gettin' no real nourishment. See, by da time you get
done shakin'the crap out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin'
left but lips and a briefcase."
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Hehe RJ ... sorry lawyers... :P
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A long haul truck driver had had some bad experiences with lawyers and ... it was such a grudge that he'd be able to ''smell 'em'' from a distance, particularly if they were on the sidewalk. .... and then he would swerve his tractor just enough as he went by to ''side-swipe'' em.
One day he saw a priest who had broken down, and stopped to offer a lift. The priest accepted gratefully.
The truck driver then thought, as he had this special passenger, maybe he'd better go easy on the lawyer deal.
Some ways later, the trucker spotted a lawyer but - remembering who he had next to him just drove straight as if all was normal. However as they passed the guy, there was a resounding thud - and his heart sank.
He started making apolagies to the priest ....
''Gee Rev' - I never meant to hit him''.
''S'OK'' said the priest ..... ''I got him with my door'' ........ ;D
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There are at least three (3) lawyers on this board, and we will wait...one day... :)
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George ......... (grovel, cringe) ........ I know!! But you guys are OK. :) :D
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Revenge is best served cold.... 8)
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George, I know you jest [?] ,and thank you for this thought, "Revenge is best served cold".
I never realized it before, but I ask to be punished sometimes.
;D
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Just remember one thing about us lawyers . . . we take notes . . . .
RS ;)
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[size=13] . . . we take notes . . . .[/size]
You mean a ''Black Book'' .. I think Richard.!!?
RJ ... we're done for now!! ;D :D
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I know for a fact that those Attorneys in attendance here, are very tough & thick skinned. I have contributed to their conditioning over the years.
I can also speak for their good taste in high quality products and choice of friends.
[ Now George is a little narrow in some areas, but remains a good friend ]
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A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. Curious, he asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "and whose clock is that?"
"That is Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
Looking around, the man asked "Where is John Kerry's clock?"
"KERRY'S clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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[size=13]"KERRY'S clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." [/size]
(http://www.acbsystems.com/images/smilies/lol.gif)
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OK . . . .
One of the Popes shuffled off the mortal coil and presented himself to Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter welcomed him into Heaven and pointed to a small but lovely cottage halfway up a nearby mountain. "That is where you will be spending eternity, Your Holiness," Saint Peter entoned.
The Pope looked up at the cottage and found it to be pleasing, but then noticed a magnificent mansion at the top of the mountain commanding a view of the entire Heavenly Kingdon. "And who resides in that magnificent mansion?", the Pope inquired.
"A lawyer resides there, Your Holiness," Saint Peter responded.
Outraged, the Pope turned to Saint Peter and exclaimed, "Do you mean to tell me that I, the Bishop of Rome and your successor to the Holy See am required to live in that small cottage while some lawyer is allowed to spend eternity in that magnificent mansion?"
Placing a comforting arm on the Pope's shoulder, Saint Peter replied, "I feel your pain, Your Holiness. However, you need to understand that, while we get almost every Pope up here, that is the first and only lawyer ever to be granted admission."
_____
I'm out of here.
RS
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You guys absolutely have me "rolling"! The Kerry fan and the Bad Day really made me lose my breath! :D My 78yo father who is a die-hard republican will love the Kerry fan joke....
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Hi Richard,
I have stayed out of this so far, but it is beyond sad that after all of these lawyer jokes, you can only come up with one positive statement of facts concerning lawyers. LOL
Frank
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Frank:
It's truly a sad situation.
And then there is this one . . .
Four men were lifelong friends -- one a banker, one a doctor, one an accountant, and one a lawyer. The banker fell terminally ill and on his deathbed told his three friends that, at his funeral, he wanted each of them to place one hundred dollars in his casket so he would have some pocket money in the Great Beyond. They all agreed.
At the funeral, just before the casket was closed, the doctor walked up to the bier and reverently laid a one-hundred Dollar bill on the chest of the dearly departed. The accountant followed, doing the same. At which point, the lawyer approached the bier, picked up the two bills, replaced them with his personal check in the amount of $300, and gently closed and locket the casket.
RS
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Gee Richard,
I don't think that George or Bill would ever do that. What's up? LOL
Frank
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Hi Richard,
Seriously, all I know is that knowing them as I do, I would be happy to pay George, Bill, or for that matter you, for your representation if the State Attorney General's Office did not already represent me for free in my times of need.
Best Regards,
Frank
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Frank:
Thank you. In the unlikely event it were ever needed, we would all three probably want to represent you for free. After all, it would undoubtedly be a false charge. And, of course, we would want to have Massad Ayoob as an expert witness.
(I see that I had a typographical error in that last joke. I do know how to spell the word, "locked.")
RS
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Hi Frank:
I have no doubt that Richard, Bill, and I are all fine shysters, oops, lawyers, and we would be proud to represent you.
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Why Rednecks Are Not Paramedics
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods
hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his
chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't
seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and
calls 911.
He gasps to the operator,
"I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,
"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence .. and then a shot is heard.
The guy's voice comes back on the line,
"Okay, now what?"
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Lord, RJ, I'm glad to see a non-lawyer joke.
Stay safe. That hurricane is coming straight at you. I know that you have weathered many others -- but stay safe.
RS
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: A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON
A MAN ESCAPES FROM PRISON WHERE HE HAS BEEN FOR 15
YEARS. HE BREAKS INTO A HOUSE TO LOOK FOR MONEY AND GUNS
AND FINDS A YOUNG COUPLE IN BED. HE ORDERS THE GUY OUT OF BED
AND TIES HIM TO A CHAIR. WHILE TYING THE GIRL TO THE BED HE GETS ON TOP OF
HER, KISSES HER NECK,THEN GETS UP AND GOES
INTO THE BATHROOM. WHILE HE'S IN THERE, THE HUSBAND TELLS HIS WIFE:
"LISTEN, THIS GUY'S AN ESCAPED CONVICT LOOK AT HIS
CLOTHES! HE PROBABLY SPENT LOTS OF TIME IN JAIL AND HASN'T
SEEN A WOMAN IN YEARS.
I SAW HOW HE KISSED YOUR NECK. IF HE WANTS SEX,
DON'T RESIST, DON'T COMPLAIN,
DO WHATEVER HE TELLS YOU. SATISFY HIM NO MATTER
HOW MUCH HE NAUSEATES YOU.
THIS GUY IS PROBABLY VERY DANGEROUS.
IF HE GETS ANGRY, HE'LL KILL US. BE STRONG, HONEY.
I LOVE YOU"
TO WHICH THE WIFE RESPONDS: "HE WASN'T KISSING MY NECK. HE WAS WHISPERING IN
MY EAR. HE TOLD ME HE WAS GAY, THOUGHT YOU WERE CUTE, AND ASKED IF
WE! HAD ANY VASELINE. I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN
THE BATHROOM.
BE STRONG HONEY. I LOVE YOU TOO!!"
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I absolutely cannot breath! :D :D :D
Thank You RJ....
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That's one of the funniest ones I've seen in awhile :D
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RJ .. that one is knockout!! ;D ;D
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RJ:
Great joke! Reminds me to stay alert. I once prosecuted a creep like that. He may be about to flatten his time -- assuming he has exhibited "good behavior." (Not likely, I'm thinking.) ;)
RS
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This has been around so - apolagies if you've seen it already .
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One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that crap!!."
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Thought you might enjoy this one I heard today .
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A Night Out With the Girls
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight.
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3a.m. (a bit loaded) I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started
up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape
a possible conflict with him.......
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him "midnight." He didn't seem mad at all.
Whew!! Got away with that one! Aren't I clever?........
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh crap," cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
;D
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Courtesy of my son today!
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Things they regret saying at the Olympics
Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it! . In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ... Oh my God, what have I just said?"