Reinz:
Your post prompts me to bring this out of storage:
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RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk the horn of your vehicle, you had better be delivering something because you're damned sure not going to be allowed to pick up anything.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I
will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so baggy and low that they appear to be falling off of their hips. While I consider you and your friends to be complete idiots in that regard, I still want to be fair and open minded about this issue. I therefore propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too large, and I shall not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I propose to use my electric staple gun to fasten your trousers securely in place on your hips.
Rule Four:
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex with my daughter, I am your barrier and I know at least thirty different ways to kill you – some slow, some fast, all painful ..
Rule Five:
It is usually said that in order for two men of our respective generations to get to know each other, there should be some preliminary conversation about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. You have nothing to say which could possibly be of any interest to me. The only comment which I want to hear from you is a firm and clear acknowledgment that you will have my daughter safely back at my house at such time as I shall prescribe. You may provide that acknowledgment by looking me in the eyes and saying in a loud and clear voice the words, "Sir, yes, Sir!"
Rule Six:
I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is fine with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I
will make
you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating my daughter. She is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting a house. Instead of just standing there in my hallway, do something useful – such as mowing my yard or washing my SUV.
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
· Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden chair.
· Places where there is darkness.
· Places where there is drinking.
· Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme (John Wayne movies are permitted).
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I repeat, do not
ever lie to me. I may appear to be a middle-aged has-been, but on issues relating to your dating my daughter I am the all-knowing, merciless, unforgiving lord of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shovel and five acres of wooded land behind my house.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. If you are ever late in returning my daughter from a date, I shall start to worry. When I start to worry, I start to get flashbacks. When the flashbacks start, I hear voices in my head telling me to take up my weapons and secure the perimeter. With those voices in my head, I could easily mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for that of a hostile intruder. Therefore, as soon as you pull into my driveway you should get out of your vehicle with both hands plainly in sight, identify yourself in a loud and clear voice, and announce that you have brought my daughter home safely. You should then escort my daughter to the front door, politely bid her goodnight, and return immediately to your vehicle. There will be no need for you to enter the house. The camouflaged face in the bushes along the driveway will be mine.[/size]
