"Egrets? I've had a few..."

[Calvin Cooledge]

OK, there's this joke, see? It's my favorite. Or one of them.
I didn't write the joke, although I really wish I did. But the
clever Subject:line, now I did come up with that one. I don't
know how I do it;^) I slay me sometimes...

A man is caught, by a forest ranger, sitting at a make-shift
campfire, and to the ranger's horror, eating a bald eagle.
The man is consequently put in jail for the crime.  On the
day of his trail, the conversation went something like this:

JUDGE: "Do you know that eating a bald eagle is a federal
offense?"

MAN: "Yes I do.  But if you let me argue my case, I'll
explain what happened."

JUDGE: "Proceed."

MAN: "I got lost in the woods.  I hadn't had anything to eat
for two weeks.  I was so hungry.  Next thing I see is a Bald
Eagle swooping down at the lake for some fish.  I knew that
if I followed the Eagle I could maybe steal the fish.  I
caught up with the Eagle who lighted upon a tree stump to
eat the fish.  I threw a stone toward the Eagle hoping he
would drop the fish and fly away.  Unfortunately, in my
weakened condition, my aim was off, and the rock hit the
Eagle squarely on his poor little head, and killed it.  I
thought long and hard about what had happened, but figured
that since I killed it I might as well eat it since it would
be more disgraceful to let it rot on the ground."

JUDGE: "The court will take a recess while we analyze your
testimony."

15 minutes goes by and the judge returns.

JUDGE: "Due to the extreme circumstance you were under and
because you didn't intend to kill the Eagle, the court will
dismiss the charges."

The Judge then leans over the bench and whispers: "If you
don't mind my asking, what does a Bald Eagle taste like?"

MAN: "Well, your honor, it is hard to explain.  The best I
can describe it is somewhere between a California Condor and
a Spotted Owl."

[Michigunner]

     

[Richard S]

A 90-year-old man was arrested for attempting to shoplift a can of whole peaches from a local grocery store.  He was accompanied to court by his 89-year-old wife, who sat on the front row of the public benches just behind the defense table.  

After presentation of all evidence, the defendant was found guilty as charged.  Before imposing sentence, the judge asked, "Why did you attempt to steal that can of peaches?"  

The man replied, "I wanted to eat 'em, but they caught me before I could get outside."

The judge then asked, "How many peaches were in the can?"

"Six," the man replied.  

"Alright," the judge said. "In spite of your advanced age, I thiink it's appropriate to sentence you to six days in jail -- one day for each peach you attempted to steal."  

Before the judge could lower his gavel, the defendant's wife stood up from her bench and shouted, "Your Honor, you oughta know that the day before he also stole a can of peas, and what's more, I saw him eat every one of 'em!"