With apologies to Walmart, this tall tale is too good not to share:
“After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men - I find shopping boring and prefer to get in and get out of a store. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
“Yesterday my wife received the following letter from the local Walmart:
“Dear Mrs. Jones:
“Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Jones, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
“1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly dropped the boxes into other people's shopping carts when they weren't looking.
“2. July 2: He set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
“3. July 7: He picked up a bottle of tomato juice from the grocery section, opened it, and made a trail of red juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
“4. July 19: He walked up to an employee behind the jewelry counter and told her in an official tone of voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and run to Housewares. As a result, she received a reprimand from her Supervisor. She filed a complaint that resulted in corporate management becoming involved. The result was a considerable cost to the company.
“5. August 4: He went to the Service Desk and tried to have a bag of potato chips placed in Layaway until Christmas.
“6. August 14: He moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area of the store.
“7. August 15: He set up a tent in the Outdoor department and told children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department – an offer that twenty-three children accepted.
“8. August 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' The clerk called EMS, but your husband had left the store before they arrived.
“9. September 4: He looked right into a floor-level security camera and used its lens as a mirror while he flossed his teeth.
“10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
“11. October 3: He darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
“12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
“13. October 18: He hid in a rack of skirts in the Women’s Wear department and yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!’ when shoppers browsed through.
“14. October 22: When a routine announcement came over the loud speaker, he dropped to the floor by the Pharmacy, assumed the fetal position, and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
“15. He took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked for directions to the fitting room.
“And last, but not least:
“16. October 23: He picked out a pair of slacks in the Men’s Wear department, carried them into a fitting room, shut the door, waited for five minutes, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' The female clerk monitoring the fitting rooms fainted, fell to the floor, and later filed a Worker’s Compensation claim against the company.
"For all of the above, you and your husband are hereby permanently banned from our store."
