The Rohrbaugh Forum
Miscellaneous => The Water Cooler -- General Discussions => Topic started by: cargaritaville on January 18, 2017, 08:27:46 AM
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A wild eyed (and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, District of Columbia, waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber. I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”
A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo, Hillary!”
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Woman goes to Dr. and says "every time I sneeze I have a orgasm."
Dr. replies "that is amazing. What have you been doing for it."
She replies "sniffing pepper."
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Woman goes to Dr. and says "every time I sneeze I have a orgasm."
Dr. replies "that is amazing. What have you been doing for it."
She replies "sniffing pepper."
Niiiiice!
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Two 'good 'ol boys' were talking. First said "if I snuck in your house, made love to your wife and she had a baby would that make us kin?"
Friend replied "don't know about kin but it would make us even." :)
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Very good!!
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Two alligators were talking. One says to the other " we were born at the same time. Why are you you so much bigger?"
Big guy says " where do you feed"
Little guy replies " at the pond near the capital. I wait for a politician to come out to his car, shake the crap out of him, and eat him."
Big guy asks if they are Democratic or Republican?
Little guy says " I only eat Democrats."
Big guy replies " that's the problem. With Democrats once you take all the crap out of them there is nothing left but a rectum and a briefcase."
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Couple gets married and goes to a cabin for their honeymoon.
Every morning the man goes fishing and stays on the lake all day.
Finally the camp manager says " being on your honeymoon why do you spend your day fishing?"
Husband replies " can't. She has gonorrhea"
Manager replies " well there are other ways to do it."
Husband replies "can't. She has diarrhea."
Manager replies "well there is one more way to do it."
Husband replies " can't. She has pyuria."
Manages asks " why the heck would you mayor a woman like that?"
Husband replies " she also has worms and Ilove to fish."
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Cupple is celebrating their 50 anniversary so they invite the three boys, doctor, lawyer, engineer, to join them.
Doctor says "I was going to get a gift but got busy and forget."
Lawyer says " I was going to get a gift but didn't have time."
Engineer says " I was going to get a gift but things been tight lately."
Father says "well I have something to say. Your mother and I never married."
Doctor says "my God. You mean we are all bastards?"
Father replies " Yes. And damn cheap ones at that."
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A tent preacher is having a revival meeting. He asks those in attendance " has anyone here seen a ghost?"
A few people raise their hand
He then asks "has anyone here talked to a ghost?"
Two people raise their hand.
He then asks "has anyone here had sex with a ghost?"
One guy smiles and raises his hand.
Preacher says to "come up front and tell us about having sex with a ghost."
Guy replies "GHOST? Sorry I thought you said "GOATS."
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A IRS inspector calls a fishing boat captain in to ask about what he pays his employees.
Captain says "well there is Dave. I pay him $1000 a week, let him sleep on the boat for free and give him 3 weeks vacation every year."
"Then there is the slow guy. He does 90% of the work, gets paid $25 a week, gets no vacation and gets to sleep with my wife once a year."
IRS guy says. "that's the guy I want to talk to."
Captain says "that would be me."
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey-pokey...
But I have since turned myself around.
That is what it is all about.
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I used to be addicted to the Hokey-pokey...
But I have since turned myself around.
That is what it is all about.
VERY good. ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Hear about the guy that was half black and half Japanese? Every Dec 7 he attacks Pearl Bailey.
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Death smiles at everyone. Marines smile back!
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I hit some black ice this morning. I am fine but I think I hurt Ice-T and Ica-cube.
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Baby is born and the Dr. hits him on his little butt.
Baby just looks at him without making a sound.
Growing up it's the same thing, never a sound. Parents send him to Dr's and specialists and nobody can find a problem.
Years go by without a sound. Finally one day, when he was 6 sitting dinner, he asks "please pass the salt."
His mother exclaims "my God it's a miracle you can speak."
He replies "oh course I can."
She asks "why didn't you say anything before now?"
He replies "well up till now things have been OK."
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Guy joins a monastery and must take a vow of silence. Once a year he gets to go to head monk and say one word.
Guy works hard the whole year then gets called to the head monk. Head monk says "well you have been here a year what is your word?"
Guy replies "more" then goes back to work.
After second year once again he goes to head monk and asks what his word is.
Guy replies "salt."
Few weeks later he gets called back into the head monks office.
Head monk says " look. You been doing a great job here but we just can't have people complaining all the time."
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Fising fleet goes out every day. Nobody comes back with much of a catch except Jr. Jr. EVERY DAY comes back with a boat full of fish.
Nobody can figure this out so one day the Conservation officer asks where his spot is.
Jr. says he doesn't have a spot just a method of catching fish.
Conservation officer asks if he can go out with him. Jr. agrees.
They go out to middle of the lake, Jr. lights a stick of dynamite and throws it in the water. Fish rise to surface and he nets them in.
Officer says "that is illegal to fish with dynamite. when we get back you are going to jail.
Jr. ignores officer, lights another stick, tosses to to officer and says " now. You come here to fish or talk."
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Reporter is doing a 'man on the street interview.' He is asking people what they think is the most important contribution to mankind has been.
First guy says " putting a man on the moon. All the knowledge gained is helping us even today."
Next woman says "penicillin. It has saved millions of lives."
Reporter asks Bubba who replies " it has to be the thermos bottle."
Reporter asks "what's so amazing about that?"
Bubba replies " well. You put coffee in first thing in morning and all day it stays hot. Put sweet tea in and it stays cold all day"
Reporter asks " what's so amazing about that?"
Bubba replies "HOW DO IT KNOW?" :D
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Does ANYONE read these or is my material that bad???????????? :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\ :-\
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Not bad; just old. I heard the thermos joke half a century ago.
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I read them.
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Not bad; just old. I heard the thermos joke half a century ago.
That was probably ME telling that 50 years ago. How about the others?
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I read them.
Hi DD,
Thanks. Then I will keep pulling them out of my VERY old memory. :D
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I am always up for a good joke, even if it is old. Keep them coming.
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach
dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said
'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'
She replied,'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
That's the BEST! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Teacher asks a little boy "how old is your father."
He replied "seven years old."
She asks how is that possible."
He answers "he didn't become a father till I was born."
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Know why they put reer window defrosters on a KIA? To keep your hands warm when you push them.
KIA doesn't come with a owners manual. It comes with a bus schedule.
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Know why Almond Milk is called Almond Milk? Because NOBODY can say 'nut juice' with a straight face.
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Three friends sitting in a bar drinking.
First guy says " my memory is so good I remember my first teachers name."
Second guy says "that's nothing. I remember the moment I was born and the Dr. smacked me on my little butt."
Third guy says " I can beat both those. I remember going to a party with my father, and going home with my mother."
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Keep it coming.
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Keep it coming.
I have LOTS more but I have to be careful what I post. Some are not 'politically correct.' ;D ;D ;D
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One morning 3 South Carolina good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a
ticket line at the Spartanburg train station heading to Columbia
for a big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3
Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of
the Yankees.
"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but
the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the
door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door
opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return
trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Columbia train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to
their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.
How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the
perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into
a bathroom and the 3 Southerner scrammed themselves into the other
bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He
knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees
won the war...
<
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A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
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A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.
The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.
The man persists and asks to see the manager.
The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'
Canada, sir,' the boy replied.
'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.
The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'
'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen ask. “What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef, or Lamb?” I said, “Thank you, dear, I think I’ll have the chicken.” She replied, “You’re having soup, asshole, I was talking to the cat.”
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Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he got run over by a train. Broken nose, arm in a sling, walking with a limp.
"What happened to you asked Sean the Bartender?"
Paddy replied he got in a fight with Jamie O'Conner.
Bartender replies "that little SOB did that? He must have had something in his hand."
Paddy repled "he did. A shovel he had, and a terrible beating he gave me."
Bartender replied " well you should have had something in your hand to defend yourself with"
"That I did," Paddy replied " his wife brest and a thing of beauty it surely was but useless in a fight."
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Irishman was on his way home from a pub on St. Paddy's day so of course he is swerving all over the road.
Cop pulls him over and says " a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car."
Oh thank heaven the drunk replies. For a minute there I thought I was going deaf.
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A woman goes to her priest and says " I had terrible news Father. My husband died last night."
Priest replied " oh you poor thing. Did he have any last words? "
"Well yes he did" she replied.
"What were they" asked the Priest
He said "please stop shooting me."
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Young boy asks a priest if it's a sin to sleep with a woman before marriage.
Priest replies " no. but you young boys don't sleep."
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Woman calls a plumber to fix a drain. He is there 15 minutes and gives her a bill for $300.
She says " my God man. Doctors don't make that much"
He replies "I know. I used to be a Doctor."
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Three Vietnam veteran military pilots
As the years compile, three Vietnam veteran military pilots die on
Christmas Eve. They are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In
honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'Regardless of your past
transgressions, you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to pass into heaven.'
The old
Air Force F-4 Phantom pilot from Austin, Texas fumbled through his
flight suit arm pocket pushes the crushed pack of Marlboros aside and
pulled out a zippo lighter. He flicked it on and says, "It represents
an Advent candle".
Saint Peter is pleased and tells him 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The
A-6 Intruder Navy pilot (who had spent five years in the Corps) from
Bemidji, Minnesota is not sure he can produce a holiday symbol but pats
his pockets for anything that might represent Christmas. After a
frantic two minutes he finds what he's looking for. Jamming his right
hand into his left breast pocket he pulled out a set of keys with a blue
puff Pom pom. He shakes them in front of Saint Peter and said,
'They're Christmas bells.'
Saint Peter ponders for a moment shrugs his shoulders and said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
Finally
the third Aviator takes his turn in front of Saint Peter. The Army
Cobra Helicopter pilot from Raeford, North Carolina knows he must
impress the saint if he's ever to walk the golden streets of heaven. He
started searching desperately through his Nomex flight suit, tossing
out an old E-6B flight computer, an expired VFR sectional chart, a 1:50
map of the impact range area, a half eaten Moon Pie, a pair of Ray Ban
sunglasses, and finally finds something he knows can be associated with
the holiday season. He stretches down unzips his lower left leg pocket,
reaches in and pulled out a pair of hot pink women's bikini panties!
St.
Peter pauses, looked at the Chief Warrant Officer with raised eyebrows
then asked, 'Now just what do those symbolize for the Christmas season?'
The crusty old Attack Helicopter pilot holds them up, grins and replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
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Three Vietnam veteran military pilots
As the years compile, three Vietnam veteran military pilots die on
Christmas Eve. They are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In
honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'Regardless of your past
transgressions, you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to pass into heaven.'
The old
Air Force F-4 Phantom pilot from Austin, Texas fumbled through his
flight suit arm pocket pushes the crushed pack of Marlboros aside and
pulled out a zippo lighter. He flicked it on and says, "It represents
an Advent candle".
Saint Peter is pleased and tells him 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The
A-6 Intruder Navy pilot (who had spent five years in the Corps) from
Bemidji, Minnesota is not sure he can produce a holiday symbol but pats
his pockets for anything that might represent Christmas. After a
frantic two minutes he finds what he's looking for. Jamming his right
hand into his left breast pocket he pulled out a set of keys with a blue
puff Pom pom. He shakes them in front of Saint Peter and said,
'They're Christmas bells.'
Saint Peter ponders for a moment shrugs his shoulders and said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
Finally
the third Aviator takes his turn in front of Saint Peter. The Army
Cobra Helicopter pilot from Raeford, North Carolina knows he must
impress the saint if he's ever to walk the golden streets of heaven. He
started searching desperately through his Nomex flight suit, tossing
out an old E-6B flight computer, an expired VFR sectional chart, a 1:50
map of the impact range area, a half eaten Moon Pie, a pair of Ray Ban
sunglasses, and finally finds something he knows can be associated with
the holiday season. He stretches down unzips his lower left leg pocket,
reaches in and pulled out a pair of hot pink women's bikini panties!
St.
Peter pauses, looked at the Chief Warrant Officer with raised eyebrows
then asked, 'Now just what do those symbolize for the Christmas season?'
The crusty old Attack Helicopter pilot holds them up, grins and replied, 'These are Carols.'
And So The Christmas Season
Begins......
EXCELLENT! Didn't see that coming. ;D ;D ;D
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I was at the gym today and saw the most beautiful of women.
I asked her what her plans were for this summer. She replied "*%#$%^ you."
So needless to say I am pretty excited about this summer.
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The first thing a man looks at in a woman is her heart.
The fact that her boobs are in the way is NOT our fault.
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Uncle Joe took his Nephew Bubba out hunting. They end up getting lost but Joe says " just shoot three times in the air and someone will come looking." Nothing happens so they shoot three more times. Still nothing. Finally Bubba says "hope this last try works. We are down to the last 3 arrows."
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The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
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That's why I love this forum.....interesting info.! Makes sense to me now......
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A Mayberry aficionado and historian, no less.
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Good one backur9! ;D ;D ;D
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ED AND LINDA FALL IN LOVE
Ed and Linda met on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
Every date seemed better than the last. On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
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Not bad!!!
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This can be serious; you can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
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That was always my problem!
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What do you call a dog that can do tricks?
A labracadabrador.
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Sheesh!! Griff, it's not the joke; it's how you tell it...Ya gotta work on your delivery and timing :-))
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Backup, How's this?
Q: What do you do with a dog without legs?
A: Take it out for a drag.
Better?
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Griff, now you've got it after only one lesson...damn I'm good! ::) ;D
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The teacher has taught!!
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Querie: What would one call a canine whom was missing its legs?
Report: It would not be of consequence, since the animal referenced would not respond by presenting itself to the summoner.
Next querie: Where might one find such an animal?
Final Report: Precisely where one left it, of course.
How dat, Backup?
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Hoo dat is, "who was missing its legs", not whom.
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Tracker, although I think of dogs as people, common usage would be "WHICH was missing ITS legs". Come on guys! I can't be here for you all the time! :o
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That may be common usage but my two Shelties would agree with a writer's distinction:
Q: When I write stories that include horses, is it grammatically correct for me to say “he” or “she” when I write about a horse? Also when referring to a horse in context, can I write “who” and “whom”; e.g., “Whom shall I ride today?” —Hans C.
A: It’s not often we get grammar questions about animals—it’s even less often that we get one with two different answers. But that’s what we have here.
An animal is referred as “it” unless the relationship is personal (like a pet that has a name). Then it’s OK to use “he” or “she” when referring to the animal. This also applies to using “who” and “whom.” If the animal has a personal relationship with the person, then use “who” or “whom.” Otherwise you must exclusively use “which” or “that.” Here’s an example that incorporates both of these rules:
Personal: My horse, whom I call Steve, is my best friend. He comforts me when I ride him.
Generic: The stray dog, which I saw chasing its own tail, was shedding hair.
The “personal” rule also holds true if you’re writing a kids book and the animals can talk—as you’re giving them human traits and making them characters your readers can get to know. Even if the animals don’t have specific names, they are given personalities and this is enough to make them personal.
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(https://calliopewriting.files.wordpress.com/2015/06/grammar-nazi-3.jpg)
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"We have met the enemy and he is us."
Pogo
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Anywhoo...
What sits in a tree, has really big eyes, and says "whom, whom"?
A really classy owl.
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Does the owl have a name?
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Al.
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Something strange is going on with you guys......
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We're just staying on thread topic; which has no restrictions at all.
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We're just staying on thread topic; which has no restrictions at all.
Speaking of thread,
A piece of thread walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "we don't serve your type in here, get out!"
The piece of thread leaves, ties himself in a knot, ruffles up the strings past the knot and returns to the same bar.
The bartender sees him come in and says, "hey, aren't you that piece of thread I just kicked out?"
The piece of thread replies, "no, I'm a frayed knot."
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Why not?
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Mike, good one! The forum is tough on pedants...There they're their own worst enemy.
Tracker, a very erudite explanation which defends my opinion in the case in point! Well done.
Grif, you take the prize. I thought I could compete, but now I'm a frayed knot.
I can tell I'm out of my league here...great stuff guys!