Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 22208 times)

Online cargaritaville

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Joke of the Day
« on: January 18, 2017, 08:27:46 AM »
         
 
A wild eyed (and quite ugly) woman walked into a crowded bar in downtown Washington, District of Columbia, waiving an un-holstered pistol and yelled out, “I have a .45 caliber Colt 1911, with a seven round magazine, plus one in the chamber.  I want to know who's been sleeping with my husband?”
 
A female voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo, Hillary!”
Having a gun in your hand is much more effective than having the entire police department on the phone!

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2017, 05:58:02 PM »
Woman goes to Dr. and says "every time I sneeze I have a orgasm."

Dr. replies "that is amazing. What have you been doing for it."

She replies "sniffing pepper."
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Offline ECR

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2017, 08:53:08 PM »
Woman goes to Dr. and says "every time I sneeze I have a orgasm."

Dr. replies "that is amazing. What have you been doing for it."

She replies "sniffing pepper."

Niiiiice!
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #3 on: February 19, 2017, 05:44:16 PM »
Two 'good 'ol boys' were talking. First said "if I snuck in your house, made love to your wife and she had a baby would that make us kin?"

Friend replied "don't know about kin but it would make us even." :)
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Online cargaritaville

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2017, 07:34:15 PM »
Very good!!
Having a gun in your hand is much more effective than having the entire police department on the phone!

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2017, 10:27:07 AM »
Two alligators were talking. One says to the other " we were born at the same time. Why are you you so much bigger?"

Big guy says " where do you feed"

Little guy replies " at the pond near the capital. I wait for a politician to come out to his car, shake the crap out of him, and eat him."

Big guy asks if they are Democratic or Republican?

Little guy says " I only eat Democrats."

Big guy replies " that's the problem. With Democrats once you take all the crap out of them there is nothing left but a rectum and a briefcase."

 
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #6 on: February 21, 2017, 05:10:24 PM »
Couple gets married and goes to a cabin for their honeymoon.

Every morning the man goes fishing and stays on the lake all day.

Finally the camp manager says " being on your honeymoon why do you spend your day fishing?"

Husband replies " can't. She has gonorrhea"

Manager replies " well there are other ways to do it."

Husband replies "can't. She has diarrhea."

Manager replies "well there is one more way to do it."

Husband replies " can't. She has pyuria."

Manages asks " why the heck would you mayor a woman like that?"

Husband replies " she also has worms and Ilove to fish."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2017, 01:02:56 PM »
Cupple is celebrating their 50 anniversary so they invite the three boys, doctor, lawyer, engineer, to join them.

Doctor says "I was going to get a gift but got busy and forget."

Lawyer says " I was going to get a gift but didn't have time."

Engineer says " I was going to get a gift but things been tight lately."

Father says "well I have something to say. Your mother and I never married."

Doctor says "my God. You mean we are all bastards?"

Father replies " Yes. And damn cheap ones at that."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #8 on: February 23, 2017, 06:57:32 PM »
A tent preacher is having a revival meeting. He asks those in attendance " has anyone here seen a ghost?"

A few people raise their hand

He then asks "has anyone here talked to a ghost?"

Two people raise their hand.

He then asks "has anyone here had sex with a ghost?"

One guy smiles and raises his hand.

Preacher says to "come up front and tell us about having sex with a ghost."

Guy replies "GHOST? Sorry I thought you said "GOATS."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #9 on: February 24, 2017, 10:06:55 AM »
A IRS inspector calls a fishing boat captain in to ask about what he pays his employees.

Captain says "well there is Dave. I pay him $1000 a week, let him sleep on the boat for free and give him 3 weeks vacation every year."
"Then there is the slow guy. He does 90% of the work, gets paid $25 a week, gets no vacation and gets to sleep with my wife once a year."

IRS guy says. "that's the guy I want to talk to."

Captain says "that would be me."


 
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Offline Griff

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #10 on: February 25, 2017, 04:10:25 PM »
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-pokey...

But I have since turned myself around.


That is what it is all about.
‘Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive...those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.‘
- C. S. Lewis

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #11 on: February 25, 2017, 06:18:19 PM »
I used to be addicted to the Hokey-pokey...

But I have since turned myself around.


That is what it is all about.


VERY good.  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #12 on: February 25, 2017, 06:19:34 PM »
Hear about the guy that was half black and half Japanese? Every Dec 7 he attacks Pearl Bailey.
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #13 on: February 26, 2017, 05:34:48 PM »
Death smiles at everyone. Marines smile back!
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #14 on: March 02, 2017, 07:40:17 AM »
I hit some black ice this morning. I am fine but I think I hurt Ice-T and Ica-cube.
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