Author Topic: Joke of the Day  (Read 22218 times)

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #30 on: March 14, 2017, 01:20:05 PM »
Three friends sitting in a bar drinking.

First guy says " my memory is so good I remember my first teachers name."

Second guy says "that's nothing. I remember the moment I was born and the Dr. smacked me on my little butt."

Third guy says " I can beat both those. I remember going to a party with my father, and going home with my mother."
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Offline CaptBW

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #31 on: March 15, 2017, 12:01:55 PM »
Keep it coming.
ACTA NON VERBA




Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #32 on: March 15, 2017, 12:10:48 PM »
Keep it coming.



I have LOTS more but I have to be careful what I post. Some are not 'politically correct.' ;D ;D ;D
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Offline backupr9

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #33 on: March 15, 2017, 01:04:18 PM »
One morning 3 South Carolina good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a
ticket line at the Spartanburg train station heading to Columbia

for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3
Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of
the Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but
the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the
door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door
opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return
trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Columbia train
station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to
their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the
perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into
a bathroom and the 3 Southerner scrammed themselves into the other
bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left
their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He
knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees
won the war...
 
 


<
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

Endur Fortis

Offline backupr9

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #34 on: March 15, 2017, 09:09:41 PM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'   
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #35 on: March 16, 2017, 10:47:47 AM »
A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, 'Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?'

Canada, sir,' the boy replied.

'Well, why did you leave Canada ?' the manager asked.

The boy said, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Canada .'

'No shit?' replied the boy. 'Who'd she play for?'






HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Offline backupr9

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #36 on: March 17, 2017, 01:28:08 PM »
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV, when I heard my wife’s voice from the kitchen ask.  “What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef, or Lamb?”  I said, “Thank you, dear, I think I’ll have the chicken.”  She replied, “You’re having soup, asshole, I was talking to the cat.”
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #37 on: March 17, 2017, 03:44:05 PM »
Into a Dublin pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he got run over by a train. Broken nose, arm in a sling, walking with a limp.

"What happened to you asked Sean the Bartender?"

Paddy replied he got in a fight with Jamie O'Conner.

Bartender replies "that little SOB did that? He must have had something in his hand."

Paddy repled "he did. A shovel he had, and a terrible beating he gave me." 

Bartender replied " well you should have had something in your hand to defend yourself with"

"That I did," Paddy replied " his wife brest and a thing of beauty it surely was but useless in a fight."
« Last Edit: March 17, 2017, 03:57:41 PM by kevinqjhps »
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #38 on: March 17, 2017, 03:48:10 PM »
Irishman was on his way home from a pub on St. Paddy's day so of course he is swerving all over the road.

Cop pulls him over and says " a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car."

Oh thank heaven the drunk replies. For a minute there I thought I was going deaf.

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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #39 on: March 19, 2017, 12:10:30 PM »
A woman goes to her priest and says " I had terrible news Father. My husband died last night."

Priest replied " oh you poor thing. Did he have any last words? "

"Well yes he did" she replied.

"What were they" asked the Priest

He said "please stop shooting me." 
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #40 on: March 23, 2017, 08:17:30 AM »
Young boy asks a priest if it's a sin to sleep with a woman before marriage.

Priest replies " no. but you young boys don't sleep."
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #41 on: March 25, 2017, 04:40:41 PM »
Woman calls a plumber to fix a drain. He is there 15 minutes and gives her a bill for $300.

She says " my God man. Doctors don't make that much"

He replies "I know. I used to be a Doctor."
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Offline backupr9

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #42 on: March 27, 2017, 09:50:33 AM »
Three Vietnam veteran military pilots

 

 

As the years compile, three Vietnam veteran military pilots die on

Christmas Eve.  They are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In

honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'Regardless of your past

transgressions, you must each possess something that symbolizes

Christmas to pass into heaven.'

The old

Air Force F-4 Phantom pilot  from Austin, Texas fumbled through his

flight suit arm pocket pushes the crushed pack of Marlboros aside and

pulled out a zippo lighter.  He flicked it on and says, "It represents

an Advent candle".

Saint Peter is pleased and tells him 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The

A-6 Intruder Navy pilot (who had spent five years in the Corps) from

Bemidji, Minnesota is not sure he can produce a holiday symbol but pats

his pockets for anything that might represent Christmas.  After a

frantic two minutes he finds what he's looking for.  Jamming his right

hand into his left breast pocket he pulled out a set of keys with a blue

puff Pom pom.  He shakes them in front of Saint Peter and said,

'They're Christmas bells.'

Saint Peter ponders for a moment shrugs his shoulders and said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Finally

the third Aviator takes his turn in front of Saint Peter.  The Army

Cobra Helicopter pilot from Raeford, North Carolina knows he must

impress the saint if he's ever to walk the golden streets of heaven.  He

started searching desperately through his Nomex flight suit, tossing

out an old E-6B flight computer, an expired VFR sectional chart, a 1:50

map of the impact range area, a half eaten Moon Pie, a pair of Ray Ban

sunglasses, and finally finds something he knows can be associated with

the holiday season.  He stretches down unzips his lower left leg pocket,

reaches in and pulled out a pair of hot pink women's bikini panties!

St.

Peter pauses, looked at the Chief Warrant Officer with raised eyebrows

then asked, 'Now just what do those symbolize for the Christmas season?'

The crusty old Attack Helicopter pilot holds them up, grins and replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

 

 
"Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for a little order, will lose both, and deserve neither." 
Thomas Jefferson

Endur Fortis

Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #43 on: March 27, 2017, 02:28:15 PM »
Three Vietnam veteran military pilots

 

 

As the years compile, three Vietnam veteran military pilots die on

Christmas Eve.  They are met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In

honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'Regardless of your past

transgressions, you must each possess something that symbolizes

Christmas to pass into heaven.'

The old

Air Force F-4 Phantom pilot  from Austin, Texas fumbled through his

flight suit arm pocket pushes the crushed pack of Marlboros aside and

pulled out a zippo lighter.  He flicked it on and says, "It represents

an Advent candle".

Saint Peter is pleased and tells him 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The

A-6 Intruder Navy pilot (who had spent five years in the Corps) from

Bemidji, Minnesota is not sure he can produce a holiday symbol but pats

his pockets for anything that might represent Christmas.  After a

frantic two minutes he finds what he's looking for.  Jamming his right

hand into his left breast pocket he pulled out a set of keys with a blue

puff Pom pom.  He shakes them in front of Saint Peter and said,

'They're Christmas bells.'

Saint Peter ponders for a moment shrugs his shoulders and said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

Finally

the third Aviator takes his turn in front of Saint Peter.  The Army

Cobra Helicopter pilot from Raeford, North Carolina knows he must

impress the saint if he's ever to walk the golden streets of heaven.  He

started searching desperately through his Nomex flight suit, tossing

out an old E-6B flight computer, an expired VFR sectional chart, a 1:50

map of the impact range area, a half eaten Moon Pie, a pair of Ray Ban

sunglasses, and finally finds something he knows can be associated with

the holiday season.  He stretches down unzips his lower left leg pocket,

reaches in and pulled out a pair of hot pink women's bikini panties!

St.

Peter pauses, looked at the Chief Warrant Officer with raised eyebrows

then asked, 'Now just what do those symbolize for the Christmas season?'

The crusty old Attack Helicopter pilot holds them up, grins and replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......





EXCELLENT! Didn't see that coming. ;D ;D ;D
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Offline kevinqjhps

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Re: Joke of the Day
« Reply #44 on: March 29, 2017, 08:21:31 PM »
I was at the gym today and saw the most beautiful of women.

I asked her what her plans were for this summer. She replied "*%#$%^ you."

So needless to say I am pretty excited about this summer.
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