Author Topic: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart)  (Read 3753 times)

Offline R9SCarry

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Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart)
« on: April 12, 2006, 01:37:38 AM »
;D ;D


It could not be delayed anymore, supplies were low. I stepped outside the house and saw it was a nice clear day with temperature around 80 degrees and a steady northeast breeze. It was now or wait for another week.

I went back inside to prepare for the mission: My trusted Mini Cougar 8045, three mags filled with HydraShoks went to their proper places around my waist. Swiss Army knife, Timberlake folder, Nitrolon and a Mini-Mag with LED conversion unit and a mini first-aid kit in their assigned places inside my tactical fisherman?s vest. 2 packs of cigarettes and 3 lighters in case I had a prolonged excursion or the need for set improvised time delay fuses also went in my pockets. Cell phone fully charged with a back up battery and that little sticker antenna that guarantees you perfect reception even in the deepest cave according to the infomercial I saw and bought it from. I made sure the truck was fully fueled as well as the 2 extra jerry cans, tested the winch and mentally did one last mental check up. I was ready. Next I hollered at my Mother: ?OK, Let?s go to Wal-Mart!?

After a harrowing mile and a half drive (This is Miami-Dade County people. New Yorkers and Angelinos can be seen crying in terror by the shoulders of our byways refusing to deal with our traffic) we got into the local Super Wally World. Amazingly I found a parking spot only 200 yards away from the entrance. I know I should have been suspicious of my good luck, but I was feeling optimist and just thanked the stars for the great smile bestowed upon me. We got inside and I should have gone immediately into condition orange when I grabbed the first shopping cart and it was just perfectly new. No shaky front wheel, no stuck rear wheel and the cart itself was spotless without even a trace of an old coupon.

My first stop was at the sporting good section where I scored a Gerber 400 Compact Sport Multi-Plier for a measly $20. I guess I was 100% condition white because any other rational male would have draw his sidearm and started a tactical retreat for the nearest exit but not me, I carried on. As we headed for the grocery part of the Super WallyWolrd, I saw 2 females in hand-to-hand combat for an Easter toy basket and I could almost swear one of them was utilizing the haganah method. I chose not to stick around and finally I arrived to the dairy section. While Mom was fishing for the list, I almost got run over by some acne-covered teen driving a pallet jack loaded with Yoplait yogurt in different flavors. I nimbly stepped aside and started to collect the items as Mom recited from the list. When I went to retrieve the milk, I got electrically shocked by a powerful deterrence system installed in the door handle. I quickly recovered and used my Tactical Fisherman?s vest to open the door and remove 2 gallons of regular milk and half a gallon of Non-fat. After placing them in the cart, I did a quick scan of the area and saw I had a clear pathway to the eggs and took my chances. I was able to get a dozen extra large but paid the price as a 6 year old, commandeering a cart and running away from his mother managed to impact me from behind right on my Achilles heels. Although the pain was searing I managed to hold on to the eggs and return to my cart where Mom chastised me for playing with kids instead of paying attention to the shopping.

Let me make a pause and talk about women and grocery shopping. We all learned in school that back in the Stone Age where allegedly our behavioral patterns were established, Men became the Hunters (with the standard explanation that we are some sort of violent brutish creature) and Women were the Foragers, sweet innocent and non-violent: BOVINE FECES! Yes, they are gathering foodstuffs but any idea of innocence or pacifism is just unadulterated misinformation. Women are vicious creatures who will rip your eyes out if they see you ogling at the 3 for $1 special on chunk tuna in oil. No wonder cavemen went out with just sharpened sticks to face mammoths and saber-tooth tigers: it was an even fight!

Let me get back to the story. As we moved on from aisle to aisle, I noticed a curious pattern: Any male shopping accompanied by female was not attacked as long as he was driving the cart. But if he stray 5 feet or more from his assigned female, he was a viable target for attack. Since I sensed that the natives were on the warpath with full face paint, I chose to stick to Mom like politician to funding. I managed to retrieve all the essentials on the list plus a couple that she remembered after the fact and we were almost at the register when she uttered the nastiest 5 words any male can hear in this situation:

Sorry - too long - part II to follow!
Chris - R9S
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Offline R9SCarry

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2006, 01:38:07 AM »
Part II -

You know what I forgot?

I deflated right there and then. She had forgotten to get cranberry juice. My memory came up with the proper aisle for the Juices & Other Drinks: #2, almost all the way to the back of the store. Then, I heard the Six Words that sealed my future

I will wait for you here.

With my eyes brimming with tears and swallowing hard, I headed back. But I am a trained professional and I know I just couldn?t go back the way I came, specially alone and without a cart to fend off attacks from blood-thirsty female shoppers. I took a moment to observe the landscape and made my move. First I did a quick sprint into the Man Apparel section, hid for a minute peeking from the Hawaiian Shirt Rack at any possible enemies in the area. Aside from one woman buying tightie whities, the coast was clear. Zigzagging between the jeans and the socks, I found my path blocked by the changing rooms. I peeked once again and saw that directly ahead was the baby section, a 100% tactical no-no. Here is where I made a huge mistake, instead of backtracking and going around through the pharmacy and the pet supplies, I just did a quick right turn and ended up in the middle of the Women Apparel section. There is no way to describe the horror I felt in my heart when I saw a field covered in pastels, flower patterns, lace and frills of any kind and shape. I went on my stomach and slithered ever so slowly trying not to be noticed by the horde of gossiping warriors rummaging through the new spring collection. As I moved on, I saw far away (some 20 feet) a clear patch of aisle that headed for the Plastic Containers and Lawn Furniture. I decided that I would make one sprint and escape before any of the Female Warriors could react but unfortunately my feet got tangled with a discarded red bra with white artificial feather trim and I hit head on the bin containing the slightly irregular Hanes Panty Hose. Dazed, determined but with a blurry vision, I managed to get out and promptly struck a big display of windshield cleaner and one bottle fell on my groin putting me out of action.

Through the fog of my pain I could hear enraged females shrieking and getting ready to attack me. I decided that I would go down fighting like a man and as I was ready to draw my gun, I felt hands grabbing by shoulders and a male voice saying ?Don?t worry buddy, we got you.? I felt myself being dragged and the smell of engine oil, tires, additives and the sound of an impact wrench indicated that I was in the Automotive Section. I passed out.

When I came to, I saw that I was surrounded by other males, all sporting different levels of wounds obtained in the Shopping Wars. The helped me to my feet and gave me a beer. When I asked why there were no females there they explained that the Automotive Section and Women is like consecrated land and vampires: they simply don?t come in. It was the only safe place in the whole store. I was advised no to go near the entrance of the Automotive Section because Lay-Away was directly next door and Females usually become evener more angry and dangerous once they visit that section. After resting for a few minutes, I realized that I was still facing the task of getting the cranberry juice and returning safely to the register. I asked one of the guys who was nibbling on a prune pop-tart and he informed me that there was a way to achieve my goal but it was going to cost me.
The solution turned out to be an enterprising 8 year old girl who, for $50, would accompany you to retrieve any item and take you where you wanted and doing it safely. It seems that the Female-Accompany-Male applied to females of any age. She would take cash, debit card or credit cards but absolutely no checks or C.O.D?s. When the girl appeared, we quickly struck a deal and I was guided through the maze of corridors and Rabid Shopping Trolls to the Juice section and then delivered to the loving arms of Mom who gave me six kinds of hell for taking an hour to get some juice. I did not mind, I was alive, wounded but I knew that after a week of rest and antibiotics I would be like new. We paid, left the store and hopped into my truck as I swore never to come back unless I had a full tactical team backing me up or a fully armored shopping cart with an M-2 mounted on top.
__________________
Chris - R9S
Guns don't kill people - people kill people.
R9 FAQ Site
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Offline Michigunner

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2006, 08:42:40 AM »
Pretty good description of Walmart, Chris.   :D

Seems like my first CCW might have been there.  It's been a while.

I kinda like the  place, but there is often a wait for clerks in the sporting goods section.

Offline Newt

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #3 on: April 12, 2006, 10:08:24 AM »
Purple Hearts in the mail!
No matter how you struggle and strive, you will never get out of this world alive.

Offline theirishguard

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #4 on: April 12, 2006, 10:47:03 AM »
see what happens when your stars turn green!! ::) :o 8)
Tom
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Offline theirishguard

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2006, 10:48:02 AM »
the best time to go to wally world is at 5am.
Tom
Tom Watson, DVC , Quis Separabit ,  Who dares wins, Utrinque Paratus

Offline Richard S

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #6 on: April 12, 2006, 11:36:29 AM »
Now where was that juice aisle?   ;)

« Last Edit: April 12, 2006, 04:36:24 PM by Richard_S »
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Offline R9SCarry

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #7 on: April 12, 2006, 01:25:42 PM »
I should have mentioned - could not claim credit for the writing - guy on another board did it but thought it was a fun piece.
Chris - R9S
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NRA Life member and Certified Instructor.

Offline MountainMan

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2006, 12:42:07 AM »
Was a fun piece Chris.

Richard - was most of the food sold at those Africa open air sites safe to eat?
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Offline Richard S

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2006, 11:29:15 AM »
Quote
Was a fun piece Chris.

Richard - was most of the food sold at those Africa open air sites safe to eat?

Dave:

The produce from the open-air markets is generally good.  Of course, one needs to be careful about the meat, poultry, and fish -- although salt-dried fish is usually safe for use in stews.  With all of the water-borne diseases which are endemic in that part of the world, the greatest concern is the drinking water.  If you can't find a reliable brand of bottled water, you need to boil and filter any water you use for drinking, cooking, or brushing your teeth.  (If you don't have any purified water, you need to brush your teeth with beer.   8))  As far as prepared food purchased from vendors in the bush, it is usually safe to eat anything which you observe being removed from boiling oil.

I was lucky.  Malaria was the only illness I experienced in the four years I spent there.

But speaking of the food, here is a recipe for groundnut (peanut) stew from the area around Kano which I liked well enough to bring it back with me:


NORTHERN NIGERIA GROUNDNUT STEW
[size=10](Serves three people)[/size]

Ingredients

6 pieces of meat (goat, mutton, beef, or camel)
4-6 ounces of roasted groundnuts
8 ounces of milk
8 ounces of water
4 large peppers
1 small onion
2 medium-sized fresh tomatoes
1 ounce of ground dried chili peppers
6 ounces of locust beans
Salt to taste.

Directions

1.  Build a hot fire.
2.  Bring the water to a boil.
3.  Grind the peppers, onion, tomatoes, locust beans, and groundnuts.
4.  Wash the meat and season with salt.
5.  Add the meat to the boiling water and cook until the water is about half gone.
6.  Add the ground peppers, onion, tomatoes, and locust beans and cook for 15 more minutes.
7.  Add the groundnuts and cook until the stew thickens.
8.  Add the milk last and cook a few more minutes.
9.  Serve the stew hot with boiled rice.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 11:32:17 AM by Richard_S »
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Offline MountainMan

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2006, 01:49:56 PM »
Richard - sounds like something to try do someitme - I guess any ground nuts will do?

Too bad the local Giant Eagle doesn't have any camel meat.

PS : see I just hit 600 posts - doesn't seem that long ago I joined the forum.
« Last Edit: April 13, 2006, 01:51:09 PM by MountainMan »
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Offline WoodstockDoug

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #11 on: April 16, 2006, 12:24:03 AM »
Where do I get locust beans?  Or is there something else I can substitute?

I'm always willing to try a new recipe.  The more exotic, the better.  Thanks.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2006, 12:25:37 AM by WoodstockDoug »

Offline Richard S

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Re: Nightmare Scenario (Not for the faint of heart
« Reply #12 on: April 16, 2006, 08:34:56 PM »
Doug:

Here are two links which may be of help:

http://www.alibaba.com/trade/search?Type=&SearchText=locust+beans&IndexArea=product_en

http://4vibrance.com/carob.html

I've occasionally found the extract of locust beans in the gourmet sections of some major food stores.
« Last Edit: April 16, 2006, 08:36:00 PM by Richard_S »
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